Relationships Matter

We know that it is important that a child feels safe and secure and develop a good attachment to their caregiver. This allows them to explore the world, try new things and build new relationships, not just as a child but also into adulthood as well. Below is a link to think about secure attachments.

However, when we are struggling with our relationships, this can sometimes change how we parent.

 When we are in conflict with our partner, we can become less emotionally unavailable to our children as we use up all our emotional energy dealing with and thinking about the conflict. Sometimes we don’t realise we are doing this, but it can be good to take a step back and think about whether or not our parenting has changed or is not as good as it could be right now.

Impact of parental conflict on parenting

Emotionally unavailable
This is when a parent is so consumed by their conflict, they find it hard to meet their child’s emotional needs as they are distracted by trying to meet their own. Not getting on with a partner can take up all your headspace so leaving less for the thinking about what your child’s emotional needs might be, it may become harder to recognise what they are in the first place.

Compensating
This can happen when a parent is aware that their child is being exposed to a negative atmosphere or parenting in general, so they over-compensate for the effects of this by being lenient, relaxing rules, giving gifts etc.

Harsh
Being in conflict can be incredibly stressful and it is normal when stressed to have a shorter fuse, a lower tolerance for children misbehaving for example. A parent may become harsh in their parenting style, berating a child for things that normally may not get the child into trouble for example.

Overwhelmed
In contrast to being harsh, a parent may feel so overwhelmed by the conflict they are experiencing with their partner that they may begin to be less engaged with their role as a parent. They may not try to ensure simple parenting tasks are completed and ‘let things go’ as they feel less able to engage with their responsibilities as a parent.

Controlling
A parent often feels out of control when they are in conflict. It’s not unusual in these circumstances to seek out a feeling of control elsewhere and sometimes that is in their parenting. Being over controlling and micro-managing children can restore some sense of control.

Blaming
At times of conflict a parent can often look for someone i.e.: their child, to blame for things, sometimes for small incidental things and sometimes for the reason there is conflict between the parents. Rather than take responsibility for their part in the situation the parent wants to lay the blame at the door of others in an attempt to absolve themselves.